On a Train to an Uncertain Future

To Pirbright

 

I was in a train,
Going to a very uncertain future.

Outside I could see the rain,

In a land that looked stranger.

 

All the peculiar thoughts in my head,

Amounted to a great deal of dread.

Looking around at the other faces,

I realised we must all be nutcases.

 

I ask myself why I’ve chosen this fate.

What’ll be gained from this confusion?

All I can do is learn and tolerate,

The lonely and naive path I’ve chosen.

 

I’ve never really travelled away from my county,
But I felt my adventure could rival Dante.

I stepped from the train and into strange country,

Knowing I was about to loose my liberty with the wave of a hand…

 

August 1994

 

 

What had I done? Well, being trapped in the recession I was in at that time, jumping on that train to what felt like oblivion, it all seemed like the right thing to do. What else was there? Back home friends had gone or moved away or grown ever distant. There were no jobs, no prospects, no education. Only fags, boardgames, books, mulled wine and nothing much else.
I remember vividly waiting on the platform full of of feeling of trepidation that I was not as fearful as I should have been of the unknown. I was very ignorant of anything outside my own sphere.

Friends Come and Go

Falling in love can be like droplets of rain falling to the earth, especially when you are young. At least it was for me; I never knew what I wanted exactly but loved the feeling of immersion in another person's life, enveloping your own inside theirs so the two became interchangeable.

It's 1994 still and I'm surrounded by uncertainty across the globe. A lot happened in Europe in this period and I often felt I was outside of it when I should have been inside it. As usual finding consolation in wine and books.

Falling in love made the boredam of life and being on the outside go away, it gave reading books a sort of meaningless equation - books were not the means to an end. Literature simply delayed the inevitable destruction of oneself.

We were all growing distant, each of us trying to struggle in our way through the vagaries of experience, and some were better than it than others. Finding a lover, someone to share more depth and intimacy with sort of produced an intense feeling of calmness.

The only problem was when that calmness came crashing down to be replaced with its oposite on the spectrum - deep anger and loss - life felt pointless. That's the wonderful feeling of being young, one can pick oneself up so easily.

When relationships end you understand just how much you love a person, and whether or not it's worth fighting for. On this ocassion it was not, despite my feeling of loss and isolation.

It spurned me ever onwards to find that escape route away from the boredam and stagnation.

Epiphany

It happened and things changed. Don't they always?

You look around you and so many things appear clear but when you delve further you notice the elements in each object or person. Everything is subjective and pays tribute to our interpretations, without which nothing would exist.

Whether you are depressed or joyful, you sometimes get a moment of self-realisation. An epiphany. Why didn't I think of that before?

It's been a long time coming but I'm back. Joy caused it, not depression.

I had an epiphany - a self realisation moment that it was time again to engage.

A lot had changed but I going back again to revisit the past and catch up with the future.

I love semiotics. I love literature even more. What is love? Do we have love juice like link juice that we can share? Can you give too much love, so that you die?

Back then I had no idea the vehicle I'm using now would begin to shape my life as much as it has.

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